What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You smell like stripper and shame
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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