I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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