Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
The best revenge is premature balding
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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