your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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