Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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