You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
