it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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