life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
