Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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