If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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