Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
