it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
