i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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