Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
