just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
We got so high we made milksteak
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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