if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
