Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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