Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
