Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
