If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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