I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
