i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
