We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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