I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
