The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
