you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
