You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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