when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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