Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
