....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
