I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
