So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
