OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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