Well douche your snatch and let's go!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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