i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
