I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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