I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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