Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
