It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
