someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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