just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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