I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
