just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
