College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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