All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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