I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
