The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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