so that wasnt chicken after all
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize