Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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