member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking