Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.