No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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