last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
