First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
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I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
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I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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