I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
