you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
