We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
